


satellite

by PinkVoidHologram



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Adult Steven Universe, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Reunions, Songfic, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 03:28:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20650451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkVoidHologram/pseuds/PinkVoidHologram
Summary: so, send me into space and cut me freeand like a satellite, just look for me





	satellite

**Author's Note:**

> All inspired by this lovely song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NFitslir_g
> 
> title + summary both taken from song above
> 
> Steven is 18 at the beginning of the story.

_Steady as a rock, I stand, I wait_   
_With eyes that see but eyes that can't erase_   
_ Hands that hold but hands that can't embrace_   
_ Creature longing for some saving grace_

She waits for six thousand years.

She _waits_ for six thousand _years_.

She waits until vines entangle her limbs, her hands, her feet; she waits until the bush turns wild, spreading with reckless abandon, reclaiming nature in a place where nature had not existed before. In a place where nature could _not_ exist, as the very fabric traps her. _This is a special world, made just for Pink and I – isn’t it?_

She waits until inevitably, the garden turns full of decay – as flowers wilt and die, as grass shreds, as insects turn to dust and return to barren soil, as all signs of life fade quietly into the cold darkness of space. She waits until smooth stonework crumbles, and falls all around her – each collapsing tower a signal. Even as her whole world falls apart around her, she waits.

Because she holds onto hope that her best friend is coming _back_. That any second now, the game will end, and Pink will smile and laugh and tell her what a wonderful job she did of playing. That any second now, things would be right back as they were, and everything would be alright again. She holds onto hope because it’s all she has left. It’s all she has left.

She waits for six thousand years.

And what does she get? What does she hear?

_Nothing._

She gets nothing. 

And as she turns her head to the crackling pink panel, she hears the end of the story. The first sign of anything in over six thousand years – the game they’ve been playing for so long, the reason she’s been here for so long, the hope she’s held onto for so _long_. She gets her answer. She isn’t coming back, because she’s gone. She doesn’t exist. And to this, she thinks.

Was she really so bad of a friend?

That she had to be left here?

For _nothing_?

She waits, rocking on her heels.

She anxiously fiddles her thumbs as she waits near the warp pad. It’s the central one in Little Homeworld. He said he was going to meet her here, so she waits. She waits and she waits, as countless gems pass her by. Some of them even wave at her, and she waves back. She even makes a game of it! How many quartzes can she spot? Oh, or maybe she could count the topazes, or the rubies, or the peridots. She giggles as her count grows higher and higher. She doesn’t think she’s been surrounded by these many gems before.

Little Homeworld must not be that different from actual Homeworld, which is probably _why_ they called it Little Homeworld, she guesses. From what she remembers, looking at the world down below from Diamond promenades, the colors and shapes aren’t _too_ different, and the people are the same – everyone’s a gem here, after all. But things surely _must_ be different. All types of gems have opened up shops, they’ve made friends, they live openly – it’s a lot different from the strict assembly lines she would see down below. A lot of this just wouldn’t fly on Homeworld. Or old Homeworld, she guesses, from the little she remembers.

But what does she know? It’s not like she was ever allowed out of the garden for more than a few minutes. It’s not like she actively involved herself in Homeworld society at large.

She only knew what Pink told her, over six thousand years ago.

“Hey, Rubber! You sure you don’t wanna take a seat and relax a little?” Bismuth calls out to her, carrying steel beams over her shoulders. Spinel likes Bismuth overall. Bismuth is fun, cheerful, and great to get along with, she thinks. She has that kind of personality that just sucks you _in_, much like how Spinel is supposed to be, but Bismuth oozes a mature kind of charisma – a talent for keeping it together even in the worst situations, and encouraging those around her. Spinel, meanwhile, is just meant to be a best friend to somebody, not _everybody_.

“Oh, no. I’m waiting for someone.” She says, glancing over to Bismuth, before looking straight back to the warp pad.

Bismuth chuckles. “You know you can wait for someone _and_ sit down, right?”

“I’m waiting for someone.” Spinel repeats, staying where she is.

“Alright, Rubber. Knock yourself out.” She shrugs, and she goes.

Spinel watches from the corner of her as gems just flock to Bismuth as she makes her business, and how affectionate she was with each and every one of them, despite carrying something large on her shoulder. Spinel supposes she’s a little grateful she’s not like that – it’s a lot harder to keep track of so many people, after all. She’s meant to be track of just one. Mostly just one,

So, she waits at the warp pad.

_Oh, and I have long since seen the sun  
It set along the banks when I was young_

He bears the weight of the burden.

Because that’s what he was made for, right?

_(Do you think what I said in that type was a lie?)_

It’s the story of his life. He almost gets killed by gems he had no idea existed, he has to fix the mistakes his mother left behind, and he has to help everyone get along. He thinks it’s pretty easy to get resentful toward someone like his mother – someone who kept burning bridge after bridge, kept secret after secret, kept hurting everyone she loved. She ran away from every problem she had, creating new ones in their wake. And for a long time, he actually _did_ resent her for what she did. At one point, he had even deluded himself into thinking that maybe he’d finally find his magical destiny if he just read into his mother’s tape.

The picture perfect portrait of his mother, as an otherworldly beloved matron who cared for every single living thing, crumbled and shattered.

But now that he’s older, he doesn’t know. It’s not really _easy_.

She’s gone now, and she’s not coming back. He doesn’t get to ask what she was thinking, what she was feeling, if she ever regretted anything she’s done. The story has ended, and all he has left are the people she left behind who could only give him pieces of the person she used to be.

It’s easy to villainize her. It’s easy to hate her for what’s she done. It’s easy to paint her as an awful person who never once thought of anyone else. But the truth isn’t easy. The truth isn’t so clear cut like that. The truth is that he now sees his mother as both a terrible and a wonderful person; she wasn’t wholly good or wholly bad – she was both. She was a great person, not always a good one, and overall, she was… a person. He doesn’t idolize or villainize her anymore. He guesses that’s just what growing up does.

It makes you see all the grey.

_Oh, and it's been long since you've been near  
But fate was never kind to us, my dear_

Steven comes home exhausted.

It’s the Diamonds.

It’s _always_ the Diamonds nowadays.

Now that they had begun to become better (as better as it could get for now), they wanted him around more. They want to adore him, and they want him to stay at the palace and they want him to be Pink, even though he keeps saying he’s not his mother. They want it to be just like when his mother was still here.

And he starts to understand why his mother might have had a hard time with them as she changed. She was just meant to be their cute, adorable, hilarious little gem. She was supposed to be their heart. But a heart that would forever stay a child.

His mother didn’t stay a child.

Neither did him.

But he smiles wide as she sees her, and as she throws herself at him. He laughs as he catches her, the force spinning them around. No matter how short or how long it had been since he was around, Spinel was always eager to jump right back into his arms, and he always caught her, no matter what. They laugh as they tumble to the ground, and he gently cups her face in his hands.

“You weren’t waiting for me this whole time, were you?” He asks, idly stroking her cheek,

She rolls her eyes, placing her hands over his. “Not the _whole_ time. Just the past day.”

He sighs. “You know you don’t have to do that. I don’t mind you doing other stuff.”

She grins. “But I want to! I don’t mind waiting for you.”

_Because you’ll come back to me._

Even as it’s left unsaid, the full wright of the words bears down on him heavily. He holds her close to him, and he wishes things could have been better. He wishes he could have learned about her sooner. He wishes that his mother had given a second thought to leaving her behind. He wishes that Spinel had decided to leave sooner, to go wherever she wanted and make her own way, because she deserved it. Of course she did.

And she looks at him as if he hung the moon, and his heart breaks.

“I’m just glad you’re back home,” she whispers.

He smiles, holding her just a little tighter. “Me too.”

He kisses her, and she kisses him back, making a small cute noise of contentment in the back of her throat, and it feels like the rest of the world fades away.

_So, send me into space and cut me free_   
_And like a satellite, just look for me_

Promises are both easily made, and steadily broken, she finds.

What is a promise anymore? What guarantee will she have that the words are true? What if she’ll just be _lied_ to, again and again, all under the vagueness of some _promise_? There is no guarantee. There is no trust anymore. And the sad thing is that there’s always going to be a part of her that wants to believe in promises again. There’s a part of her that wants to be open again, and to be free from running under the constant current of self-destructive and manic thoughts. When her mind doesn’t bounce her from anger to hate to grief, she knows she still wants to love. She still wants to try,

But it’s not _easy_.

It’s never _been_ easy.

Steven promises to be there for her. He promises he isn’t going to leave her alone. He promises that she won’t be forgotten anymore. And that if she ever gets lost, if she ever falters, if she ever loses her way – she can look to him, and he’ll guide her back. And how sad it is that she desperately wants to believe him - that she wants to hold his hand and know what he’s saying is true. But she’s trapped in a sea of anger and misery, and she drowns in her own thoughts and she’s haunted until she becomes a ghost herself, and it’s just not fair, it’s not fair –

“Just like the north star,” he says, breaking the raging storm and stilling the waters. Steven’s talking. He’s probably been talking the whole time as they lie down together on the floor of his room. She lost him again.

“…. Because it’ll always point true north, right?” She responds.

“And I’ll always point back to you,” he tells her, smiling.

“You’re not a star, Steven. That’s not how it works,” she giggles.

“Oh, wanna bet?”

He smirks as descends upon her and gives her an affectionate barrage of kisses. Her lips, her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, her neck – there isn’t a spot on her that Steven leaves untouched, and they laugh as Spinel tries to return some, not wanting to be so easily defeated just yet.

And just how wonderful it is that it only takes Steven a moment for all her fears, her worries, her anger to melt away and to leave only happiness and content in its wake. That in this moment, Spinel feels wanted and loved, all the things she ever asked for. That maybe she’s even found true love, a love that will be patient and endure, a love that will always be there.

But just how sad it is, that even in this moment…

There’s a part of her that doesn’t believe in anything.

_Oh, and if there's darkness in your sight  
I'll be in the corner of the night_

It’s the Diamonds again.

It’s _always_ the Diamonds.

They still want him around more. They want to adore him, and they want him to stay at the palace and they want him to be Pink, even though he keeps saying he’s not his mother. They want it to be just like when his mother was still here. They’re not giving up, either. He swears they’re just about to move in themselves, and there’s no way that can happen. He has no room for them, and there are plenty of gems that still depend on them for _some_ things on Homeworld, as well as gems that _hate_ them on Earth.

“I guess we’ll just have to wait until you decide to come visit us again,” White Diamond sighs dramatically, and he’s about done with her antics.

“I told you that I can’t stay there every other week! I can’t just _revolve_ around you forever, you can’t be the most single important thing in my life!” He shouted, and White Diamond grew quiet.

“If that is how you feel, I suppose I have no choice but to respect it.” The call ends somberly, and he sighs. He shouldn’t have yelled, he knew that. But his frustration got the better of him, and now he said something he can’t take back.

Spinel stands in the background, quiet as a mouse. She hasn’t said a thing since the call started. She usually doesn’t. Despite Steven telling her she has nothing to fear, Spinel only ever meekly salutes the Diamonds and leaves them to their business. She fiddles her thumbs as she stares at the floor, and continues to say nothing as Steven takes her hands.

“Spinel…. It’s going to be okay. They’re being difficult, but nothing is going to happen.”

She looks up at him, and bites her lip. “I can go for you.”

He shakes his head. “What? No, you don’t.”

“I’m made to be a best friend, Steven! To entertain, to make people happy. It’ll be so easy, you just have to give me a chance!” She smiles and pleads with him. She squeezes his hand as she waits for his answer, and he just… he can’t.

“But you don’t have to follow your purpose anymore, Spinel! You can do whatever you want!” He pleads with her in return but she shakes her head.

“But can’t you see, Steven? This is what I want to do! I want to continue my purpose. And – and it won’t be forever, because I’ll come back! I’m just tired of seeing you unhappy and if I can do this to make you happy, then let me do this. Please?”

He hugs her tightly, and she hugs him back, laying her head on his shoulder. “It won’t be forever. I’ll come back. I promise. It’ll all work out. You’ll see.” She says it so sure, so confident, that Steven just has to believe her and everything will be okay. And of course he believes her, of course he does, why couldn’t he? But isn’t it cruel, isn’t it wrong? To just let Spinel waltz back into her old role? That she had no other opinions?

“Aww, you’re crying. I’m… I’m sorry.” She says, as she touches his face and wipes the tears away.

  
_We live, we grow, we die, it snows_   
_The rotation, the Earth, the Sun_   
_ We write, we read, we love, we need_   
_ We need, we need, we need, I need_   
_ I need, I need, I need, I need, I need_

The call is made. Steven represents Spinel’s case, and Spinel is an active participant of the conversation for once. What Spinel said came to pass – she was made to be a best friend, to entertain, and it doesn’t take very long for her to charm the Diamonds at all. They sing in harmony together, and she is quickly offered a place at the palace and a ride there. But before they finally agree on anything, Steven makes an amendment.

The Diamonds can go and get Spinel, but to give her time first so she can get her affairs in order. Spinel only smiles and doesn’t contest this, and so, they agree.

She laughs when the call is over.

“You lied! To the Diamonds, in their_ face_! You know I don’t have anything,” she grins.

He swallows, and looks to her. “Is it so bad that I want you to stay, just a little longer?”

“No. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I want to stay a little longer too.” She smiles warmly, and she kisses him.

They stay up one night, watching bad horror movies. It’s close to Halloween, but Connie’s busy with her schoolwork, so she can’t come over. Amethyst is over at Vidalia’s place, and Pearl’s off with Bismuth and Garnet. Some of the gems over in Little Homeworld are making their own party, but Spinel’s expressed concerns of discomfort, so instead, they’re alone together watching bad old horror movies.

“This isn’t that scary, you know,” she laughs, munching on her popcorn.

“That’s why they’re bad. Because if they were scary, they’d be good.” He says.

“And you can’t handle good scary horror movies?” She says, snickering.

“I can!” He responds, a little defensive.

“Yeah, that’s why we’re watching the bad ones, huh?” She laughs again.

She suggests to take a walk through Little Homeworld one morning over breakfast. As Steven looks up from the coffeemaker, he raises his eyebrow.

“I thought you didn’t like being around other gems?”

She sighs, as she squishes herself against the counter. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t like being around other gems! It’s just that…. you know, I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me. I’m worried everyone is going to hate me on the spot and who could blame them, I mean I tried destroying the entire Earth and you and I just,” she blurts it all out as Steven takes her hand.

“Breathe. It’ll be okay.” He reassures her.

She takes deep breaths. “I just – I just want to start getting along with other gems. I’m going to be surrounded by them. I need to take a first step somewhere, right?”

The winter comes. The cold starts to settle into late September, but it doesn’t start snowing until December hits. Beach City becomes a white landscape, swallowed by all the snow. While Steven’s more excited about the holidays and planning a get together, Spinel’s way more excited about the actual snow itself as it crushes under her feet. He follows after her, as she runs around, investigating the surroundings. It was probably always a type of spring in the garden, he thinks. This must be her first time seeing snow.

“Steven, what’s this?” She asks with child-like wonder.

“It’s snow. It’s…. kind of like soft frozen water.” He explains.

She snorts. “Frozen things aren’t soft.”

He shrugs, keeping gloved hands within his pockets. “Snow is.”

He decides to teach her how to make snowmen, and he makes a fairly generic but adorable little snow buddy. Spinel decides she’s making snow gems instead, and laughs as she carefully makes a trio vaguely resembling Pearl, Amethyst, and Garnet. The other gems eventually notice, and all they make additions. Pearl “fixes” hers, Garnet adds makeshift rings and Amethyst just makes it a little messier. There’s talk of adding a tire.

And eventually, a snow Steven and a snow Spinel join the other snow gems, standing side by side.

It’s raining today, so there’s not a lot of things he can do unless he also doesn’t care about getting wet. For the most part, Spinel’s fine with staying inside, just as long as she gets to stay with him. So, they’re lying in bed together as Steven tunes his dad’s old guitar and as Spinel watches the rain pour outside.

“I’ve never seen that before.” She says, as she rests her head on his shoulder.

“It’s rain. Water gets sucked up into the clouds and then when the clouds get too full, it rains. It’s a cycle. Pearl can probably explain it better,” he says.

Spinel rolls her eyes. “Pearl could tell you the entire history of a boot for six hours. I’m fine with listening to you.” She grins. “Aren’t you going to play, guitar man?”

He laughs. “In a minute.”

The day he’s dreading is finally here. There’s no hiding it from anymore, no wishing for one more day as he waits outside with Spinel. It only takes a few seconds for the Diamond ship to arrive, and only a few more seconds for the Diamonds to appear out of their ship. Spinel, despite her smiling face, is gripping his hand as hard as she could, as she and the Diamonds harmonize and talk about all the wonderful things they’ll go together.

And just before they leave, she gives him a letter. She smiles.

Without a word, she goes, and then she’s gone.

Steven heard it somewhere, back when he was younger.

You don’t know what you take for granted until it’s gone.

He was confused by it back then, naively thinking he appreciated everything and everyone in his life. And maybe it wasn’t a lie, and maybe it was a half-truth, but the full truth is that he’s been hit with it several times over the years. Somehow, he thought that it would be _easy_. That he could handle it, because he had gone through it so many times before.

But it’s never _been_ easy.

The house feels silent now that she’s gone. He hears echoes of her laughs everywhere, and he just didn’t realize how much he actually really liked her laugh, and her bouncy, energetic nature. Sometimes, he thinks he’ll see her out of the corner of his eye, but it’s just his mind playing tricks on him. Back in Little Homeworld, everyone asks after Spinel, and he tells them that she’s fine, and she went on her own accord.

“But not on yours, huh?” Bismuth said, once they had a moment alone. He was volunteering.

He doesn’t answer her.

Part of him knows that she’s not as far away as he feels like she is. He only needs to take the warp pad to Homeworld, and everything will be okay again. But he knows he can’t. If he goes back for her, he’s ruining the whole reason Spinel went to Homeworld in the first place. This is something she needs to do alone, and it’s something she asked to do alone. He re-reads her letter.

In it, Spinel tells him everything she couldn’t tell him in person. Her worries, her fears, her thought that kept racing through her mind. She wants to do it alone, she says as much, and she tells him not to worry. She says she’ll be back before he knows it, and everything will be great again. And she opens up about thoughts she’s been having for a while, and expresses worries that they’ll never get better, but every time she thinks of him, she feels encouraged to try anyway, even if it feels she’s drowning.

_Sorry that it’s such a long letter! You know, I heard something about writing stuff and books. I think it was something about how writing is the perfect way to leave stuff behind? I’m sure you’d understand it if you read it, because you get everything Steven, but it’s about how literature is endless and timeless and that as long as you have my letter, I’ll always have a way to survive, even after I’m gone. But not like gone-gone, I’m not going to get shattered! But I guess for humans, it would be gone-gone, huh?_

_Maybe you should write a letter one day! Or a series of letters. I think you’d really like it, you know._

It’s been a few years, hasn’t it?

Yeah.

It has.

It’s been roughly four years since Spinel went along with the Diamonds, and things have changed. Things always change, of course; there is no happily ever after, there is no clean cut ending. That’s for fairytales, and his life has never been a fairy tale.

There’s always been more work to do.

There was cleaning up the Earth, cleaning up the former gem colonies, expanding Little Homeworld, becoming the official leader of the Crystal Gems, helping Connie become an official diplomat for space. There was just so many things, one after the other.

He’s older now. He’s really becoming an actual adult with adult responsibilities. Beyond his Crystal Gems duties, his father had been talking about retiring about the car wash business and leaving it in Steven’s hand, if he wanted it. _Just an option for you kiddo, if you want to stay in Beach City. Don’t be a wanderer like me with no plan and no money_, he had said, and his dad is right. He thinks he’ll take over when his dad officially retires. It’s a good plan.

And finally, something that took four years to complete.

Restoring his mother and Spinel’s garden.

In the letter she had left him, Spinel had often described how she jumped from wanting to destroy the garden, to letting Steven do whatever she wanted, to leaving it be and never coming back to it. _It’s so stupid, and I hate it_, she wrote, because ultimately, she did think she wanted to restore the garden. She thought it would be wonderful to make it like a park, a quiet place. But Spinel could never trust herself not to explode the mere second she arrived, so she trusted the final decision to Steven.

And he restored it.

There’s new stonework replacing the ruins, and archways surrounded by roses. The entrance is surrounded by hibiscuses, and the pathways are still a shade of pink, but the rest has been changed. In place of the Diamond communicator, there’s a little gazebo instead. There are several pathways now, all leading to different portions of the garden with different plants and flowers. The foundation had been cleaned out and remade, with its plaza having the only star symbol in the entire garden to signify the Crystal Gem’s involvement.

Bismuth had asked him if he was sure, and he said yes.

“She wanted it to be a quiet place. So, I’m making it into one.”

In an alcove surrounded by roses, Steven falls half-asleep. He’s been dedicating a lot of time to the finishing touches, and hasn’t been keeping track of the time, or when he last drank or ate. He hears the warp pad in the distance and automatically assumes it’s probably Pearl. Despite being an adult, she still worried over him, and even if it was a little annoying, he knows she does it for good reason. But then…. It can’t be Pearl, because she isn’t shouting out for him, and Amethyst and Garnet would be calling him too. Maybe it was a random gem then.

“Steven?”

That’s funny. It sounds just like Spinel.

“Steven, are you okay? What’s wrong? Should I go get somebody? I can go get somebody, I promise, I’ll do it quick.”

“….Spinel?”

“Yes! I told you I’d come back, right? You believed me?”

She smiles, a little worried as she kneels right in front of him, and he tackles her with a hug. She laughs as she hugs him back, and as they roll around in the grass. They come to a stop, and he hovers above her, close to crying. It really is Spinel, there’s no doubt in his mind that it’s her. After four long years, she came back.

“It’s just like the north star, right? It always points true north,” she says softly.

“And I’ll always points back to you,” he repeats what he said over four years ago.

They kiss for the first time in four years, and it almost feels like a piece that had been missing for forever has been put back into place, and everything is perfect again. There’s a sense of wonder and magic too, reuniting right here in the garden where he first convinced her to take a step for the better. He almost wonders if he’s maybe holding onto too tightly, afraid that if he’ll let go, Spinel will leave again.

A few tears fall down her cheeks. “And you restored the garden…”

He smiles. “That’s what you wanted, right?”

“It’s everything I could have ever wanted.” She grins and kisses him again. “You’re everything I could have ever wanted. I…. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“I love you, too. Stay with me?” He asks, hopeful. He thinks he already knows the answer, but he just wants to make sure.

“Always,” she says, and she kisses him. And under bunches of roses, Spinel knows her love is true at last. She knows she’s found it. She doesn’t have any other name for it.

She _believes_.

_So, send me into space and cut me free  
And like a satellite, just look for me_

**Author's Note:**

> so despite shipping steven and spinel the second i watched the movie, im really slow to write fics
> 
> also as a sidenote i havent done songfics in literally forever! but it was sure fun. hope you enjoyed!!


End file.
